that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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