I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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