I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
