He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
