No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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