bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
