First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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