My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
