My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
