You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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