I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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