Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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