How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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