apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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