omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
