I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
