i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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