when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
