I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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