The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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