i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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