i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
