MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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