if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
