Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
