and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you had me at cake vodka
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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