cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
