i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
