Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
