it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If I die, sorry about rent.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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