my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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