He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
