apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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