I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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