What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
