If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize