We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
