Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
a search helicopter?!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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