I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
