i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my being single is dangerous.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
