"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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