No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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