I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
