So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
