Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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