Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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