Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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