I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
