There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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