I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize