i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
