You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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