Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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