Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
