where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
