You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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