I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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