So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
