I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
